The Sam Large Owner’s Manual by Jack

Please forgive the boastful mum post.  Just this made me laugh so much and I need it somewhere easy to refer to on those darker days when I need a giggle.

Fueling your Sam

The Sam Large can be filled using any of the following;

Apples.
Coke.
Cheese.
Sweets.
Biscuits.
Crisps.
Milk.
Chips.
Chicken.
Burgers.
Sandwiches.
Bagguettes .
Bacon.
Butter.
Ham.
Sausages.
Fish.
Lemonade.
Orangeade.
Chocolate.
Bread.

Caring for your Sam

Although your Sam must always be loved and cared for, it cannot be too happy or it may develop some of the common problems mentioned on page three. Often attempt the following;
Tv.
Kindle.
Xbox
Sweets.
Crisps.
Computer.
Hugs.
Kisses.

Common Problems

LEAKING: It has been reported that Sam occasionally leaks from the eye area.

MANNERS: If your Sam begins displaying bad manners, there is a chance that he may have been reprogrammed. Take him back to any shop for a 50% discount.

SPEAKING DIFFICULTIES: If your Sam does not speak clearly, contact our support team to get it replaced.

SLIGHTLY ANNOYING: If your Sam is annoying, remove the heart and replace it with a lit candle.

HIGHLY ANNOYING: If your Sam is highly annoying, the recommended treatment is to drop him off the gosport ferry.

IMMINENT DEATH: If your Sam is near death, remove his brain and place it in the robotic exoskeleton provided in all good Sam starter packs.

INQUISITIVE: It is highly dangerous if your Sam becomes inquisitive. The recommended solution is to burn your Sam before coating it in honey and putting it in a bee hive.

Rare Problems

LOVE: If your Sam falls in love, please contact our steamroller team.

GRAPES: If your Sam becomes addicted to grapes the best course of action is to release the hounds.

HAPPINESS: If your Sam is spotless push him off a giraffe.

SUSPICIOUS DEATH: If your Sam dies a suspicious death, send him into reboot mode by kicking his bum

INSANITY: If your Sam becomes insane, please call our military personnel team.

INTELLIGENCE: If your Sam becomes intelligent, it is recommended to drown him in wine.

CANNIBALISM: If your Sam becomes cannibalistic, tie him to the bottom of your car and drive around your local area.

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