Call it what you will – it has hit like a brick wall. I was overly optimistic this year and thought I’d got through the worst of it, I mean March is almost within touching distance, but it appears that I can’t get through February without a dose of the woes.
Not the only one suffering I know, so virtual hugs and chocolate to all those who need it.
Over the years though I’ve learned to recognise this mood for what it is, a temporary, seasonal dip not some awful sign that I am a terrible human being who is failing in every way.
In fact nothing on paper has changed really, educationally wise I am happy with how things are going, taking the foot of the peddle a bit this week but that is because I need it not him. Work is immensely enjoyable and satisfying – only hassle there is there are too few hours in the day to do all I’d like. Managing to keep largely on top of housework.
The biggest issue I have during these times is maintaining contact with the outside world. Sam wants and needs to be seeing friends but I feel drained and physically sick at the prospect of having to see and talk to other people. My patience and tolerance are at a major low for coping with other people’s children (and my own too), not the kids at all it is me.
I could feel myself slipping last week when I struggled with motivation and cruised through my Weds groups (love them usually) then getting out on Thursday was a real effort even though we were only going to Sam’s best friend’s house where I get to sit on a sofa, drink coffee, play with a toddler and chat to one of my best friends so as low stress as it gets. Friday’s plan for a big day out to shake me out of the mood, failed drastically although made me realise that actually the boy and I are quite cheerful in ourselves. Monday’s group I could definitely have lived without but everything was prepared, Sam loves it and thought it would lift my mood – generally working with kids does – it didn’t! Sam and Oscar seem to have loved it though so will assume the horrendous nightmare it seemed to me is result of my dark mood and the fact the journey there is hard going since the buses changed.
Anyway, am trying to avoid making mistakes of previous years. I will not assume that things are wrong, because they feel wrong at the moment, and cancel them leaving us cut off and isolated. I will not try and work through by signing us up for more and more things that I live to regret. Jack is off next week and we have a break from organised groups, he never wants to see anyone when he is off school and is happy just to play with Sam, so we will bunker down for a week or so and let the mood hopefully pass. Lots of baking, wine and chocolate in order.
What is the point of this post? Not sure really… to clear my mind, to help others who are feeling the same to realise it probably isn’t them, to stress that home ed isn’t a utopia it is life with all it’s peaks and troughs but we home ed mums are often so scared of failing we forget that life can be a hard sometimes whatever we do.