Full of the blues of spring

This week that seasonal rotten mood that arrives with the onset of spring has hit me like a ten ton truck.  All of a sudden everything feels too loud, bright and harsh.

On paper today has been a good day, my Facebook feed is full of people who were at the same activities saying what a good day it was.  Personally just not feeling that vibe.  The best (and really the only thing that matters) I can say is I refused to let my mood have too big an impact on Sam, we went out and he got to do the social stuff, the excitement of coding club and the fun of running about in the sun all afternoon.

The selfish part of me had hoped that he’d not want to go after a busy weekend. Normally he recovers fine from the physical side of Cub camp but he gets ‘peopled out’ spending 24hrs a day with others and it can take him a good couple of weeks to want to get out and about socialising after.

Code club though is irresistible it seems and I definitely couldn’t say no and wouldn’t want to, love that he has something on the calendar he is that keen on.  Also it is as undemanding as being around others can be. I could really have done with out the Adventure Playground after though.  Particularly as he had actively not wanted to join in with the planned activity and it was an activity that I knew would make playground busier than normal.   However the lure of playing friends in the sun proved too tempting.  With a rare afternoon of not really having anything else we needed to do, no illness or injury and no Cubs tonight, I’d have felt very mean if we hadn’t gone.

Sam did enjoy himself so it was worth it and in a way so did I.  I always enjoy watching him happy.  Added bonus because I was watching I was able to pick the moment to go when I could see that he was starting to have had enough so for the first time in a while we left while he still looked happy.  2 hours is about our limit for that sort of activity I think.

For me I found a quiet corner and spent an hour or so chatting to a parent I only knew vaguely before, which really was nice.  When they left I stayed in my corner and did some sewing.  Not the most social of activities but I needed the barrier.

I am getting better at being kind to myself.  The guilt for not making more of an effort to go up to new members or engage with those who I know a bit and should make effort to know better is still there, however, I know really am just not up to it.  Chatting to one person at a time is fine and enjoyable.  However when the hayfever fog is down I find it hard to follow conversations with more than one person and to tune out all the background noise or to follow a line of thought or recall basic information, even stuff mentioned minutes before, making conversation really feel an effort.

It will pass it always does, by September the haze will have long gone and social days playing in the autumn sun will be a welcome treat.  In the meantime it is time for a bit more time just me and the boy, relaxed days at home and leisurely days out.  Time to make the effort to catch up with people outside of the busier groups.  I’ll take Sam to the groups he’s keen on but he doesn’t need me near him, a summer for sitting in the sun with my sewing I think.  Perfect activity for that set up, far less antisocial than hiding behind my phone or taking a book, I can and am very happy to chat to anyone willing to spend a bit of time with the recluse in the corner.

 Yesterday did have it’s moments that pierced my grumps.  Nothing uplifts the heart like a sparkly sea.

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Then of course there was the amusement of coming out of the toilets to find Sam seemingly practising preparing for execution, oblivious to all around him 😀

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We had two big ticks in the box for evidence of autonomous style learning going on.  His interest in game design seems to be taking him into ideas around psychology and how and why people get addicted, what makes people want to keep playing.  Apparently he had a similar conversation with Pete regards music and what makes something ‘catchy’.  He also showed his ability to absorb conversations.  You can’t go anywhere locally without tripping over some element of local history.  This is what he was using as a chopping block.

20160504_6 So we spent 10 mins sitting by the sea chatting about what we knew about D-Day and Dunkirk before catching the bus home.

We’d not managed to fit in maths in the library this morning so we did at home.  I expected a bit of complaint at ‘work’ at gone 4pm but he was perfectly happy with the idea.  In fact we were still at it long after we’d done what I wanted as he was having so much fun beating me at equivalent fraction snap he was wondering if he could make a living that way.  I don’t do letting kids win but the boy was a demon, he truly was ‘Snap Master’!  Sometimes just for a minute I let myself believe I have this Home Ed thing nailed and then I laugh at myself.

Had a similarly worrying picture of a scarily tame teenager.   He spent his evening working for me and then transcribing a Two Ronnie’s sketch to use in school.  Interrupted only by me wanting to measure him up for his Explorer Scout uniform so we could get that ordered.  Complete with log books and badges for blanket.  His enthusiasm for scouting is returning 🙂

Today is a bit of a blank canvas.  I was hoping for a day out to try and shake me out of this mood a bit, but life has other plans.  Firstly the place I had intended to go is closed.  Secondly I stupidly booked a delivery of something I need later in the week to come today.  Thirdly both of us have felt rather bluegh with unsettled tummies since we got home yesterday so probably a day at home is wise.

Life is what you make it, embracing the small stuff is what I need right now and making the effort to enjoy what we do without worrying about what I think we should be doing.  Every day the head ache remains a dull ache rather than stabbing pain is a bonus.  This too will pass, but roll on August!

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